Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Batman v Dracula

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans