Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Truly one of the great bangers

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Toxic snake

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Remember to think of others this holiday season!