[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
are there any atheist mantises?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
pls suprot
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese