[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
When your diet is finally over.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her