3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.