3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
oh you like nyc? name every rat
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
dutch so unserious
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise