Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

The struggle is real.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.