Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

welp

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

when someone rings the doorbell

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.