Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”