3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Oops
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.