Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Mike is short for Micycle

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky