[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
You Might Also Like
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
yall want some gasoline milk
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
How to wake up a Beagle