Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?