[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me irl
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no