3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*