3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say