3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
You Might Also Like
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me