Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Breaking news:

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”