3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself
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Spell check is for lasers.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Single worst piece of software ever invented
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.