3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself
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Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*weighs self after shaving
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.