$3 #books
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling