Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.