Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?