3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The three genders.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen