@geowizzacist

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

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@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@huntigula

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

@Ristolable

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

@Darlainky

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

@juneohara65

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

@CleverGirl85

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

@skedaddle74

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@jsteele3966

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.