3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.