3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
screw you
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?