3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Sunday
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair