3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down