3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
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nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.