3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”