3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
the three branches of government
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
