Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.