3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
The photographer’s assistant
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Fluff me with a fork baby