Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

You were the one.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*