Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now