Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Blew out my flip flop…

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun