Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.