Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

I think this might be relevant today.

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.