Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Me trying to reach for my goals

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol