@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

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@AristotlesNZ

Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
Me:.
5yo:.
Me:.
5yo: How do I do that?

@notacroc

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@dog_feelings

i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy

@HansGrubertron

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

@isaaaa

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

@bobvulfov

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them