@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

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@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@OctopusCaveman

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

@mexicanmaal

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

@Darlainky

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@MattPostSaysHi

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

@Dil_Tron

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?