@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

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@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

@ballerguy

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@HeyZeus666

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.

@Quartzjixler

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

@divyne_mess

Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.

@EmissaryKerry

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…