@RachelNoise
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
@PaperWash
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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@RachelNoise
@dontforgetjames
Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it’s your time.
@karanbirtinna
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
@holy_schnitt
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
@offbeatoliv
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
@wheelswordsmith
australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000
@vaguemachinist
[During sex]
Her: Go deeper!
Me: *panics and start quoting Hemingway*
@jahmauer
[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”
@MrsMikePatton
The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
@TweetPotato314
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part