@ThatBrenna
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
@PaperWash
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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@ThatBrenna
@kathybotteas
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
@Snarfernini
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.**including zombie apocalypse
@EricaWhoToYou
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
@iwearaonesie
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
@TheKimersonShow
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
@angibangie
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
@sofarrsogud
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
@Donna_McCoy
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
@simoncholland
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.