[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
the simulation is moving too fast
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.