@PaperWash

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

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@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

@dontforgetjames

Being gay isn’t a choice, it’s an involuntary thing that happens when J.K. Rowling decides it’s your time.

@karanbirtinna

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

@holy_schnitt

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@wheelswordsmith

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

@jahmauer

[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part