Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

How it started How it’s going

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

be safe out there!

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER