Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?