[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.