Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
that wasn’t the question
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”