3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
ready to be harvested
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.