3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
