3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
be careful
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby