Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

This has made my week.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

we’re dead?

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

did it work

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do