3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.