Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

japanese corn

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork