3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
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If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
need him
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
When I can’t barge, I careen.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*