3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You Might Also Like
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.