“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
You Might Also Like
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.