3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
You Might Also Like
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…