3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself