Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.