Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family