Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

This kid will have a bright future.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism