3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
what it’s like dating me:
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Oh, I bet you would be
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?