Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me