Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

🍛

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.