3% human
97% stress
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.