Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

What the dentist sees

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

#NeverForget

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid