Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.