Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Talk about a bad egg

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!